When parents' fights get physical in these ways, the parents need to learn to get their anger under control. They might need the help of another adult to do this. Kids who live in families where the fighting goes too far can let someone know what's going on.
Talking to other relatives, a teacher, a school counselor, or any adult you trust about the fighting can be important. Sometimes parents who fight can get so out of control that they hurt each other, and sometimes kids can get hurt , too. If this happens, kids can let an adult know, so that the family can be helped and protected from fighting in a way that hurts people. If fighting is out of control in a family, if people are getting hurt from fighting, or if people in the family are tired of too much fighting, there is help.
Family counselors and therapists know how to help families work on problems, including fighting. They can help by teaching family members to listen to each other and talk about feelings without yelling and screaming. Though it may take some work, time, and practice, people in families can always learn to get along better. Having arguments once in a while can be healthy if it helps people get feelings out in the open instead of bottling them up inside.
It's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think, even when they disagree. The good news about disagreeing is that afterward people usually understand each other better and feel closer. Parents fight for different reasons. Maybe they had a bad day at work, or they're not feeling well, or they're really tired. Just like kids, when parents aren't feeling their best, they can get upset and might be more likely to argue.
Most of the time, arguments are over quickly, parents apologize and make up, and everyone feels better again. No family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue from time to time. Usually, the family members involved get what's bothering them out in the open and talk about it. Everyone feels better, and life can get back to normal.
Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other. When parents seem out of control, the world becomes a scary place. It's terrific for children to see adults disagree with each other respectfully, and ask for what they need without making the other person wrong. In other words, children benefit from seeing healthy disagreements.
Even when tempers get a little hot, if you can resolve things quickly and your children see you repair and reconnect, you're modeling the resilience of relationships. So by all means, go ahead and work through little differences that come up with your partner in front of your kids. But remember that as soon as your disagreement disintegrates into disrespect or yelling, you're way out of the healthy zone.
It's a great idea to have a discussion about this in advance, and agree that whenever either of you starts to get triggered during a discussion, you'll put off the fight until you're behind closed doors. Choose a code word or phrase that signals "Got it; I love you but this is getting too hot to handle with the kids here; Let's discuss this later. In those cases, be sure to summon up your sense of humor as soon as things start to get heated, and close the "public" phase of your discussion with a hug, so your child can relax, knowing that no matter how difficult the discussion, the adults are still committed to working things out positively.
Research shows that these practices are good for your relationship. And they model healthy connection and disagreement for your child to see and learn from. Are you thinking that your fighting could use a tune-up to shift into a healthier mode?
What a perfect Valentines Day present to your partner! Don't miss our next two posts:. The only thing harder than single parenting is raising a child with another person. You can count on disagreements! In this Self-Paced Audio Parenting Class 5 hours , you get five instantly downloadable audio modules to support you in developing a terrific parenting partnership.
Just what I needed. None of the other methods of "disciplining" were working for us. These articles are really helping me understand what my son needs.
And the way you give specific actions to take, with suggested words! I often find myself thinking when reading about parenting, "But how exactly do I implement that???? This website does not leave me hanging. Thank you! We all want to be awesome parents; we just don't know how. Yours is the best advice I've found so far on what to do when you, the parent,are angry.
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